So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
