I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
