I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
