i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
