I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
