I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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