Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
