I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
