if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
