eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
