You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
