We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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