I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
