I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
