I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Found the puke drawer
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
