i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Randomize
