I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
