apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Randomize