Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I think I am morally bankrupt
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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