I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
