did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
