This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
