My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
