her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
