Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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