now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
