she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
