i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
