He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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