There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
