I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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