so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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