ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
