Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
