Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
