My first STD was from a foam party
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
