3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
