I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
