Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize