My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
