omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
