put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Ladies don't puke and tell
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
