i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
