My underwear smells like fireworks.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize