Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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