Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
