i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
