Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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