I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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