all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
