Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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