Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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