He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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