Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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