my phone needs a breathalizer
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
