You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
