How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
