So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
