Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
