She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
