So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
