she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
