we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
