i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
